A brief look at a rewarding everyman pastime

Ah another lovely fall day has passed and what better way to spend it than participating in Americas’s pass time…no not football, who wants to have that many people in one place, how about something a little less social and closer to home. Croquet, yes!, oh but wait little Kyle smashed half of the Dick’s Sport Goods brand into the frozen tundra that is your suburban citadel . The other half of course is under the leaves that the little lady has been nagging for you to pick up for weeks. Don’t worry you will turn around and convince little Kyle and Helen to do it for a meal at Fatburger, two birds with one stone, child labor and bonding with the little prince and princes.

 

(You will find this in your Croquet set from Wal-Mart, exactly in this condition with modern production costs. )

So if not Croquet then it must be the other American favorite of middle aged suburban men since 1950, Cul-de-sac weight lifting, ah the majesty of this popular and always relaxing pastime.

 

WHATS THIS?!? You have never heard or discussed Cul-de-sac weight lifting at the water cooler , strip club or health club, I am not surprised.  Why Cul-de-sac lifting is as unpopular as it is truly a mystery to researchers and people with way way way to much free time, but I do have some ideas. People today like to get the local happenings and the best eye candy and alas you will not be getting that from Cul-de-sac lifting unless you count Mildre Smith of 48 Beaver Lane a sight to be seen. A local health club is a great place to get the local gossip on important topics such as, who is dating who, who is still clipping physical coupons and most importantly who is on the verge of foreclosure. In a way a local health club is the modern town crier.  So why else could Cul-de-sac lifting be so unknown to America and Hesssdale, Kansas, could it be the expensive equipment, the lack of physical results or just the complete lack of grass roots support. I don’t know but I can attempt to change the lack of support or fight back against those wildly over priced orgies called health clubs.

( Not sure what this picture means or anything, this is a horrible example of the respected Cul-de-sac lifting )

Cul-de-sac lifting is quite simple, it is pulling the weight equipment outdoors, rolling up the sleeves , hell take off that overpriced Senor Frogs T-shirt from spring break 1987  and pump some iron. The point of Cul-de-sac lifting is to get a great workout, or at give the wife a reason why you can’t toss out that Body by Jake workout bench from 1994, boy what an investment that has been!

 

Equipment plays a crucial part in Cul-de-sac lifting, because if you don’t have a solid foundation you can not truly enjoy this everyman activity. The best equipment is something that looks like something out of a dark age’s dungeon, filled with rust that shares visual qualities of a desert. Equipment should include a bench, a bar of some sort, some plates, some random dumbbells, that should match about as well as your socks from your bachelor days. At this point you have the basic equipment but you can go beyond the call of duty and go from the prison yard to Camden yards by looking on an information super highway website such as Ebay or the up and coming Netscape.

 

( This is hopefully not what happens during Cul-de-sac lifting)

Now that you have the equipment and it has been dragged into the public eye you need to look good doing it. The idea is simple, what you would never wear if you are single is exactly what you should be wearing. Remember you are working out, not on the boardwalk in Atlantic City, class it up and leave the sandals in the bedroom or more likely behind the coffee table. Dress comfortably and wear sneakers, work boots or those penny loafers from Sears. Jeans might be frowned upon in most gyms unless you’re a real tool or someone who doesn’t realize the puzzled looks coming your way. Here is the good news, douche bag you can wear dungarees during Cul-de-sac lifting!!

 

 

 

“No Shirts, no shoes no service” – Yeah maybe at a funeral home, but your Cul-de-sac lifting get loose and have some fun out there. If your going to wear a shirt because your family is giving you looks, neighbors are pulling there kids inside or its colder then Green Bay in January then wear the correct shirt.  It should be either loose enough where you can fit yourself and a small family band or tight enough where you can proudly show off the years of drinking domestic beer. The colors or logo should be loud and proud… sounds like a great slogan that someone should pick up.

 

( who is the bigger tool? Ha ha! A little NBA humor )

Ok… Ok …. So we have the workout equipment out and our outfit is complete so what is next? Have you ever seen athletes out there competing at the peak of there existence without music and beverages to be at the top of there game. The music could be as simple as using that IPod Nano from the wife last Christmas that you still never set up, or using the family patio speakers, but if you want to  drive the point home you want to use that Sony boom box in the attic or sitting in the garage between the old TV with bunny ears and the vacuum that is missing a power supply and no working motor. Make sure the music is loud, if that means over the top static and bass then by Bob Vilas hammer it shall be.  Great options to pump you up  include Led Zepplin, Beach Boys, and of course Men at Work.

Last but not least, especially if your a red blooded American  your beverage of choice is a good old American domestic beer to keep you pumping the night away. Yes that is right beer, nothing beats domestic beer which combines pure water and alcohol.

 

( Just a tip for the young drinkers out there…. FOR PETES SAKE YOUR BEER CAN DOES NOT NEED TO LOOK LIKE THIS! )

That is all for now folks! Stop on by for our next installment which includes my routines and feelings about the upcoming beach workout.

God Night and god bless!

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