Volume 32 Issue 9: BUSCH® POWER RANKINGS
We are back from our commercial break here at PBS to bring you this week’s John Deere POWER RANKINGS. Many changes have occurred here at the Ben-Gay studios with last weeks host Matthew “BearCat” Laurer being arrested for drug possession, attempting to sell liquor to minors and manslaughter relating to the death of Thespian Emilo Estevez. Due to increased funding from our loyal viewers and sponsors such as Durex, Sears, Penthouse, and Walt-Disney we have been able to offer a contract to a new host Dr. Stephen A. Smith of Philly and an additional statistician Ron C. Harris of…. Well we do not actually know but he says to refer to the charts.
Enough of the small talk because, I know you want to get to the Verizon POWER RANKINGS.
MC Smith Take it away!
Ein: For an unprecedented time, unknown since Hector one of our interns has eaten some documents again, the Long Island Playboys® have taken the top of the Herbie Fully Loaded, Coming to DVD this Fall POWER RANKINGS. As expected they trounced the Sleeping African Americans of Hoboken 9-2. The game ran an unmanageable ten hours and sixteen minutes according to Eric Leaf’s red Micky Mouse watch with leather band. One of the more hyped events in recent years, to put it into perspective we talked to Playboy fan, Duke John Billings of Gregory before the bout who said, “ This match is going be kick ass and it is going to be as rad as seeing a Kevin Costner film.” The hype only increased with the decade long trash talk led by Czar of Public Relations for Dead Crackers, Andrew Smith, and Public Relations expert and suave dresser Lord Jamal Lewis.
Pundits believed coach Koehler or Lombardi as he likes to be called at the local American Legion, where he plays pool with Richard Wallace, former Navy standout and lifelong beauracrat would teach BJ and Dr. Andrew Smith a lesson. As a side note it is rumored the Dickster is winning Billards series 42-38. The match was truly a nail bitter for the first drive until Playboys® starting quarterback Mr. Donvon Mcnabb tossed a projectile to the King where he danced his way to the end zone blowing the match wide open. In case you have been out of the country or still enjoying former issues of the 3M POWER RANKINGS the Playboy’s went out on a limb and signed the King from Team Burger King. It is not common for a GM in this professional league to sign players from the Fast-Food circuit but then again Coach Koehler is no common Joe. Hamburglar of Team McDonalds had this to say of the signing, “This is a tremendous step in the right direction in terms of Fast-Food character rights and the Playboys could not have picked a classier son of a bitch… **chewing sounds* I love Hamburgers and Scotch”
Enough about America
Zwei: No one in this league!!
Zwanzig fünf : KFCDBags <- Side Note: Ryan Leaf find out if this “Dbags” word is in the dictionary because its not in the charts according to Ron, Hector says it might be a country or a fish.
The Nigras blew out the Route 9 Bag Ladies 374-2 in the early game or so were told according to this piece of loose leaf that could be interrupted as a box score that was submitted by Coach Craig “Eagle” Falicon. The action on the field was as boring as ever but the side plots were juicy. Coach Eagle could be hot water with the Commissioners office after the victory party got slightly out of hand with some players feeling uncomfortable with the team partying and boozing it up in the showers. Chris “Chrissy” Chambers had this to say, “it gets a little fuckin out of hand when Eagle has us singing beach boy tunes and eating cake in the shower… I mean come on have the damn decency to at least have forks for cake and at know the lyrics to Surfer Girl.
In the visitor locker room things were not all fun and games as things have only gone from bad to worse. Coach Don Tweeds again missed the game this weekend as he had his nephew Nathan’s bar mitzvah to attend, but we do have word from family friend Juan Gonzalez that it was quite a good time and Donald can really cut a rug especially when it comes to the jitter bug. Neat-O Coach Donny! This again left Richard Smith, former Navy standout and lifelong beauracrat in charge of the troops. The Wishbone was the weapon of choice and things looked like they might be on the up and up until Dick decided to pull out a small move from his Navy football days… The Statue of Liberty play. The play did not work so well and the Dickster kept calling the same play like a true beauracrat while drinking his coffee on the sideline. To avoid the shutout Coach Dick became linemen Dick and he tackled Culpepper for the safety while never spilling a drop of French Vanilla Coffee.
neun tausend fünfhundert neunzig neun – new to the rankings Wake up People
Rest of the no name teams were absolute horse shit and
should not be ranked!
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